Things still are not that good, at least i see the Dr tomorrow.

Hi all, its been a while, and its not been that good, if you have read my past you may well know of the pain and mobility issues i have had for a number of years, if not, then a brief, one page paragraph below will suffice for now.

I awoke on holiday in Oct 2010 to find intense pain in my back, i was bullied (nicely) by my bosses to go to the Dr's in May 2011, and have been off work ever since, my job was taken from me (which i was aware off) in Sept 2012, since then I struggle to daily things, walking, getting dressed and so on, it is now April 2015, and i still can see no end to it.

So, thats a brief run down of so far.....

My better half made a comment a few nights ago, that, I suppose, I was aware of, but didn't really acknowledge, but my temper is getting very short, not at home, no issues there, but generally when i am out, in the car, i just shout at stupid people, LOL, there must be a lot around here, as i do, shout a lot at them, and it is getting worse.

My issues with my sister have thawed a minute amount, we still don't talk that much, but are more "civil" to each other, but my brother, and the issues caused by his behaviour at Christmas, seems to be not going forward, he thought it would be funny to get my mum drunk, when knowing she suffers from MS, and is not steady on her feet at the best of times, and when i spoke to him about it, he got angry, ranted and shouted, so i put the phone down, he then removed me from his Facebook family member, and i have asked to be a friend again, but he has not bothered.

My moods are getting bad again, i am generally on my own all day, every day, with no one to talk too, that alone is a bad enough but when you can't get out and about, especially when it has been a good weather day or two, like we have been having recently (won't last though :LOL), seeing others walking and enjoying themselves, really does not help.

But when my better half does come home, i am reluctant to ask to do anything, as they have been out at work all day, and that to me is being selfish, and wanting them to not rest and wind down after a hard day at work, but thats just me, i know if I were to ask, then we would do something, but i would just feel guilty.

I am off to see my Dr tomorrow, well, not my normal Dr, trying to get to see her lately is nigh on impossible, but there is another Dr there that has seen me in the past, so is aware of my history, I will talk it over with her tomorrow, and see what she recommends, I suspect she will say that i need more CBT, i have already done that, had it extended, and then moved onto a more intensive therapy, but after all that, my sadness, and poor moods never really went.

So, I am at a point where i know not what to do, but just typing this down does actually help, a little, it is venting some of my feelings somewhere that i know others can appreciate my way of thinking, without judgement, and without the need to berate or troll me, well, I hope so....

The End of another crap year (sorry for the language)

Right where do I start, my world totally collapsed about a week ago, and i really have no idea what to do.

I shall start at the beginning, about 8 years ago I had a row with my sister, it was very nasty, on her part, you see, my mum suffers from Multiple Sclerosis, and that row centred around my sister blaming me for my mum having a bad turn some years previously.

When in real terms it was her that has caused issues for many years, well before my mum was even diagnosed with MS, both myself and my brother were dumped by our father when i was about 2 (my brother is five years older than me, and my mother remarried, had my sister, and from there she was the "golden child" and both me and my brother were pushed to the side.

This carried on for years and when we had all left home, and we bought our own places, i assumed things would get better, but alas no, my mother would visit my sister DAILY, and yet i got a visit once a month if i was very lucky, my brother less, yet both me and my bro lived with in a minutes walk from my sister, so really, there should not have been an issue for there to be a visit.

Also, there is an issue that my sister and brother are both "executors" on my mums and step dads wills and I am not, not on either, and i asked why not, and was fobbed off, again, it makes me feel like i am not part of this family, I never have felt part of this family, in fact my better half treats me far better than my own, my partners mother treats me more like a son, than i have ever been treated like one from my own mum, and for that i am very grateful.

I know this is sounding very silly, but you did have to be there and to see it first hand, my sister, and later my brother took advantage of the "Bank of Mum and Dad", I have not, not once since i have left home, but that's not to say that they have not been generous, my mum did buy my walking machine, when i needed one, but that paled into insignificance, when my brother has had at least three cars, and my sister four, as well as many other things.

I digress, over the years, my sister and I had nothing to do with each other, and until mum asked us to try and get on we did, then my sisters husband got shitty on Facebook one day, over something that was not even related to anything, so I became withdrawn further into myself and was not at all interested in trying to make amends.

Them my brothers 2nd eldest had her 18th birthday just before Christmas, and we were invited over to his for a bit of food and a game of cars etc, our usual Christmas event, but it was not the same, my mum has developed Arthritis quite badly in her joints and in one wrist quite badly, all on top of the MS, but my brother and his eldest decided it would be fun to spike both my mums and step dads drinks with very strong Vodka, they are both into their 70's and she is not that steady on her feet at the best of times.

I think my sister-in-law knew i was not that impressed, she said as much in a Facebook PM the following day, i sent my brother a PM on FB (he very rarely uses a mobile phone, so that's not applicable), asking him to give me a quick call as soon as he is free, at his convenience, I missed one call, flat battery, and then i got a second call, and from the time i said hello, he went into a wild rage.

He accused me of stirring, and being an A*rsehole, he said i had no right to speak to my step dad in the way i had, when all i did was say that he should not allow mum to get drunk to that extent, when he really does not care that much either, I said that i hated coming back home, because of it, and my brother really went off on one, without allowing me to state my case.

he got angrier and more vocal, and in the end, i had no choice but to hang up the phone, before he said something he would regret, well, since then, he has blocked me on FB, and my other half too, and quite clearly does not want anything more to do with me, well, if that's what he wants, then fine, I thought we were closer than that, but i am quite obviously wrong.

My emotions have been heading downwards since, Christmas has been a crap time, OH YES, he also had a go because my partners brother and wife and two of their kids came around for a cup of tea and mince pie, a couple of days ago, and that they had not been invited over, well, you have been here a number of times, I am not well, and have not been for years, I cant cope with a lot of people, there was just me, the better half and his mother for Christmas Dinner and Boxing day, i can just about cope with that.

My depression and anxiety is getting worse, and i prefer to be on my own, and i mean by that, just us two, I am not too happy around many people, i get very anxious and uneasy, he knows this, he knows how much pain I am in 24/7, yet that all went out of the window when he does not get his own way, or that's how it sounds, I sit here now, after a massive crying session, feeling like rubbish and wondering what i have done to deserve all this crap that constantly thrown my way.

If my brother wants nothing more to do with me, then i have to accept that, but really, close family wise, after my mum, he is all i have, my grandparents on my mothers side and step dads side are all gone, my real dad wants nothing to do with me, he even had the opportunity, and chose not too, so i am left sitting here, with a brilliant partner, and his family, but my own family seems like they don't care.

So, what do I do, what do you suggest ?

Its been a while - I hope your all well

Wow, I never realised that so much time has passed by since I last spent a few minutes here, and with so much happening in those months, I don't know where to start.

I will try anyway, just before Christmas I had more form sent to me by the dreaded DWP, wanting to know every little detail about my and my life, pages and pages of the stuff, and as some of you will know, you have to fill it in just right or they will boot you off, without even thinking about it, so thankfully, i kept a copy of my last lot of forms I filled in, got a great letter from my Dr and from my metal health practitioner, and after spending a number of days, considering what to write, changing my mind, re-writing and changing again (all on scrap paper) i finally finished at the back end of January.

And two weeks later, I got a letter, my heart sank, i could feel the stress levels flying high and i just didn't want to open the letter, but I was wrong, they had accepted my details, and the letters from said people above, and they have signed me off for yet another two years.

In this instance, my back first became an issue in October 2010, and I carried on working until May 2011, when, after, nagging by my family and work, i went to see my Dr, I never went back to work, and that was the start of a very long and horrid time for me. Many attempts to get the medication right ended up with me being very ill, and getting allergic reactions, and now I seems to be on a set of pills (16 per day) that numb the pain, it never takes it away, which is something I would love.

The back issues have kicked off arthritis in my Jaw, shoulders and hips, that in tur means i cant sleep on my side anymore because of the pain, so I have to sleep on my back, and that has meant i stop breathing during the night, and have t have a machine to help me breathe throughout the night. Sometimes when we go away, it is not really possible to take the machine with me, or it has not worked due to space constraints, and this then makes it worse, as it causes me to get very stressed and angry, and I end up throwing something, usually a pillow.

I had a car on Motability, but the car that we had was so far removed from the car we tested, that i was unable to get on with it, I was generally in a lot of pain when sitting in it, and the fuel consumption also was an issue as it was so far away from teh manufacturers figures that again it became an issue as i am only on benefits, so paying for fuel was something that was to become a major challenge, I have since handed back the car, i have bought a 24 year old classic, it is so comfortable, and the fuel consumption is a little better, but the fact that i can sit in it for more than 15 minutes without pain is a major plus point.

I no longer visit my mental health practitioner as the NHS only offers so many sessions and then that is that, so i had two batches, and an extention, and a final one three months after my last appointment, and thats it, what do I do now, trying to get to see my Dr is becoming harder and harder, she wanted to see me every couple of weeks, and for a long time i managed this, and then she was away, and then fully booked, and it became harder and harder, they now run four weeks ahead, and she is booked out for the whole of that term, I hate not being able to talk to someone, but what choices do I have.

I also used to go out with a couple of friends from work, every 5-6 weeks, and I enjoyed it, thena coupl eof things were said, and i found out that another had removed me from there phone, and it hit me hard, i withdrew  from everything, and have not spoken to them for some while, I just stay indoors most days, and only go out generally to take my repeat prescription in and colelct my pills, and to my hydrotherapy two times a week, i really enjoy that a great deal.

Other than that, and a few days away, my better half has accepted me for me, and never complains, if i have a "moment" as I call them, they just ease off and allows me to work through it, and be there should i need help, i cant ask for any more support, attention, love and help, and at times, that makes me feel worse, knowing that i am this way, and no matter what i do i cant get myself out of this low mood, which is now well into year four.

So, thats about it really, I am sure that there are loads more things that i caould have said or mentioned, but for now, this will do, and I will try my best not to leave it too long next time.....

Be good everyone

Been a while - Hello all.

Its been a long while since I last posted anything here about how I am getting on, and there has been a few updates, I have complete the three weeks intensive therapy course at Addenbrookes Hospital for my back pain, this included lots of talking and chats with various people to do with the medication, moods, therapies, relaxation, hydrotherapy and Gym work.

I loved the relaxation therapy, we did this everyday for 30 minutes, although the pain eased, it never disappeared, the soft music and the talking about relaxation worked quite well, and I try and do this whenever i can, but it is not as easy to do it at home as it is in a hospital environment, but when i can manage it, i get a lot from it, the next thing is the Gym work.

When I finished the three week course I was determined to carry on with a number of the main teaching points, one was the Gym, and as there is a course organised by the NHS and the local authorities so we can carry on at a reduced rate, we all know how Gyms normally charge, I spent two weeks trying to get hold of someone who can give me more info.

I asked on line on their Facebook pages, emailed and left call messages, and NO ONE bothered to get back to me, I kept getting comments on the FB page that someone will definitely call me the next day, but those many days came and went, in the end i eventually got an email from the Gym companies regional manager apologising on behalf of the gym and assured me that someone would contact me the following day,

Four days later, I emailed the Regional woman back and said again i have no communication so she phoned them and they got back to me within the hour, and what did they say, nothing, bugger all, they just said that I was to contact the local authority to get the info and book it, (it never said that in the paperwork) so I did, I spoke to a nice young lady there who had no idea what I was on about, after a bit of faffing about, she got something up on her computer and started to read out what was on there.

Needless to say and what a totally surprise (input sarcastic voice here) she said that I need to contact the Gym to get further info, so back I went again, and was told that I needed to book an assessment session, this I did, why they did not just say that in the first place I will never know, so, a date was set and it is just waiting, then last Saturday morning I got a call from the Gym cancelling my assessment, and pushing it back to September, I was really hacked off by now, and I think she knew this when i was a but sharp with her.

I was then telling my family it had been cancelled and when the new date was, that she called back to say that she can fit me in a week sooner, mmmmmmm, so, now a date is set, I just hope that this one wont be cancelled, but I will be making a point of saying how rubbish the system is at my one month check up at the Hospital.

The 2nd of three things I took from the course was the Hydrotherapy, I knew it would be a hot swimming pool, but had no idea how good it actually is, well chuffed, and I found that there is a hydro pool just two miles from my house, and i have been going there and doing my exercises and it helps for about an hour or so after I have been in before the aches and creaking come back, I will carry on doing my hydro for the foreseeable future.

the third thing is the exercises we would do a number of times during the day at the course, I have taken to them and do them at home at least once a day, and keep a track of when I do them and when I go to the Hydro pool, so when I go for my check ups they can see what and when i have been doing things.

So, how has my moods been during all this, well the first two weeks of the course were great and I was on a real high, I had not felt this happy for such a long time, everyone noticed it, it was great, then, on the Monday of the last week, we had to see the consultant, tosser, sorry but he is, and the first thing he said to me was that he wanted me off ALL my medication within the next few weeks.

This alone took me from my major high back down to feeling so rubbish and useless, that my negative thoughts came back with a bang, and I did wonder why I bothered with things, and finish it, this idiot had not ever read my notes, he had no idea that i was suffering from Depression and Anxiety until he asked about why I was on a particular medication, he had no idea that i have arthritis in both shoulders, hips and jaw, and I need my anti inflammatory to keep the swelling down, he knew nothing.

In fact the other three people on my course all complained about him and his attitude, again the drastic change in my moods was noticed again by everyone and i was asked about it at the hospital and i told them why, and they tried to fob it off and make out it was me just taking it the wrong way, so that helped, thank you very much, its a case of "how to make you feel worse without really trying", and these moods and anxiety as continued till today, and that's about a month now, and I still feel rubbish, low and insignificant.

I cant see anyway out of it at the moment, no matter what I try, we, my partner and I, do things at the weekends to try to take my mind of these thoughts and anxieties, it works for a very short while, but then I am home and it hits me again, I have the ATOS company going through my application for disability, and for those who don't know, they are an awful French company that has taken control of the benefits claimants in the UK.

They are passing teh decisions back to teh Government stating that people can work that are clearly not capable of working, it has hit the national press and there has been talks about them at the highest places in government to try and sort the problem, but that does not help me, I worry, and I always have, but that with the depression and anxiety really kick me hard, and the waiting, I can stand it, I want to know one way or the other, and to get it out the way, so i can concentrate on getting better.

Anyway, I have written enough now to bore everyone stupid, thanks for reading, this does help me a great deal to put things down on paper, so to speak, and unburden myself, i just hope I have not made you as depressed as me after reading this.

Can it get any worse, yes it can.

Back in 2011 when my back was really painful and I first went off sick, I was not To know what would happen over the next two years as time went on and things became more painful and more doctors visits more hospital visits more specialist visits and more pain and I just thought there would never be an end to all the pain that I was in.

It was while I was having tests and scans for my back pain that they found I had arthritis in both my hips with the left one slightly worse than the right, I was knocked by this as I had no idea at all that I was suffering from any sort of pain in the hips mainly because my painkillers would cover this up, but now the pain killers do not cover the pain.

As time progressed I started gaining pain in my jaw when my mouth would fail to open fully and it would click and snap, again after tests they find that I had arthritis in my jaw, again another shock, And more to the point how would it affect the way that I eat and would I ever be able to eat chocolate again, I had no increase or change of medication for the issues in my jaw I have just had to put up with it and live with the issue, but at least I can still eat my chocolate.

Then came the sleep issues and After spending some time at Papworth hospital they diagnosed sleep apnoea so now I have to wear a mask every night helping me breathe as they found that I was stopping breathing numerous times throughout the night this is a horrible machine and I absolutely hate wearing it However I have managed the last three or four weeks without it as I have had a bit of a cold and that machine did not help with the cold at all but I know I will have to go back to wearing a machine any day now and I'm really not looking forward to it.

I thought my issues Had come to ahead and the ones I had was it and I would have to live with the main issues for the rest of my life but no, it continues and I started getting pains in my shoulders and I started to notice that I couldn't lift my left arm above the shoulder and then in some cases I had to support the arm when doing various things, as time went on both shoulders became extremely painful and again I was nagged into mentioning it to the doctor when I next went I did this and after taking a large amount of blood I was Greeted with the report that both my shoulders have also got arthritis I wasn't totally surprised however it really did not reefer six and along with the other aches and pains it has not helped my depression one little bit and sometimes I sit and just wonder why I bother.

I've visited my mental nurse as I call her either once a week or every two weeks dependent on whether she has more important things to be doing and I know that sounds harsh but when she tells me why I can't see at the following week they seem really pathetic excuses but I digress, when I visit her, I come away feeling Confused and wondering what on earth I was doing sitting there for the last hour because she just says the same thing week in week out without actually get ting to the root cause of why I feel the way I do and that really does anger me to the point that I just want to scream at her but I'm too much of a gentleman to do that.

My visit to Addenbrookes starts next month which is four days a week for three weeks and hopefully within that period they will teach me how to manage the pain and just live with it so hopefully after which my doctor will then sign me back to work and then I can start looking for another job it looks as though I will not be able to go back to my previous Job as they seem to be going through a Raft of either redundancies or moving around either way that cutting back on the management teams in most of the sites so it doesn't look as though I will be able to go back even though the staff are still asking me to go back which I would dearly love to do anyway that's me for another few weeks I'll probably blog again during the visit to Addenbrooks, to let you know what's going on there.

Timely update on how things have been going

It has been some while since I posted about health, wealth and happiness, the wealth bit is easy and I can close that bit by saying I ain't wealthy, I have not been working for two years now so funds are low, happiness, this is a difficult one, I want to be happy I truly do, however becoming happy and staying there are two differing things.

With the continued pain and therefore lack of movement, I am becoming less mobile, I try to as much as I can and with the weather on the change it is easier to get out and about, not that out and about is far, I have been told I am an ideal candidate for a three week course at Addenbrooks Hospital, this covers exercise, talk, physio etc, and runs for three weeks, four days a week and six hours a day, this is in July, so something to look forward too.

Our recent holiday in Egypt was a success, until we got to the airport on our way home, I got violently ill on the plane, due to food we ate at the airport, this lasted a good week after we got back, but whilst there the heat was great for me and by the end of the week I was walking better and having less pain, within Twelve hours of coming back to cold Britain I was back to normal, at least I had a few days of feeling normal.

I am visiting my "mental nurse" frequently, not that she is mental, but she is trying to sort out my head, this will be a hard job to do, with the long lived pain, and boredom I have every day it sends me a bit low and depressed, sometimes, very, and it is more often than not, I feel she does not do anything for me, as I feel worse after each session than I did before I went in, however last week she did listen to my rants.

On our return from our holiday I had been informed of three deaths, so there was three funerals in eight days, two were ok, the third and last was my grandmother, my real dads mum, I did not really have much if anything to do with that side of the family, as they never wanted to know either me or my brother when my parents split when I was very young, when I was introduced to my father for the first time at the funeral, he just said "hello" and shifted away very quickly.

At the bun fight afterwards, I noticed that my dad was talking to my brother for some while but never not once did he mention me or even took the time to come across to talk to me, I am not too bothered by this but it has played on my mind a bit each day since, but as I never knew him anyway I have not really lost anything, but it would have been nice for him to make the effort, after all I did drive all that way and at great discomfort for me, but hey, if that's how it is, then that's fine.

As for my aches and pains, yes I know your all wondering about it they are still there, my back is just the same, however my legs and arms are getting weaker and I find standing still difficult and will wobble and stumble frequently, with the lack of exercise comes an increase in weight, which will not go away, even though I am eating far far less than I ever used too, the thyroid is still to have its first check, so once a blood test for that is taken, and a decision on whether to increase the dosage of medication I am on or not, I just have to carry on as is.

My moods around the house are getting more frequent, I try my hardest to not be grumpy as I know it is no ones fault, but it is hard, and I am finding it harder to keep cheerful, I try to keep busy and the odd day out with the mother in law helps a great deal, lack of interest from other people supposedly close to me does not help, and I get angry at some of the texts I get from them, so much so at times I just want to scream and swear, and if I am alone I do, loudly.

So there you have it, I know it has been a while but you have it all up to date and in all its glory, with a few days off next week we are going to have a couple of days away to keep my mind active and off of the usual throughs and the course at Addenbrooks in July it should be a positive few months ahead, and hopefully I may ask my dr if I can go back to work a few hours each week, fingers crossed.

More medical updates and the usual misery

It has been a while Since I last sat here and had some random thoughts about how I am feeling, and how things are going.

After my last visit to the Dr and a 20 minutes chat, (sorry to the rest of the queue), Mind you we never have less than 15 minutes, which is great, time to be able to say what you want and how you are feeling, anyway, I digress, after this visit I had my anti depressants raised again, and had more blood taken to compare against the last lot.

The last batch of blood tests showed a few issues, my thyroid was very under performing, on the boarder of type 2 diabetes, my good cholesterol is nearly non existent, and lastly my liver function, again, I have been good though I lost a couple of kilo's, and I only drink water, nothing else, well apart from milk in my cereal, so at least there was a good thing to happen after my visit.

Then, a couple of days ago i had a call from the pain clinic at Addenbrooks, it looks as though they are foisting me off onto another department, I think they have given up on me, that's what it sounded like when I asked the nurse, anyway,  this one will be more physio based with psychological as well as physical help given, it will be an intensive treatment, six hours a day, four days a week for three weeks, as long as I fit within their guidelines, which apparently I do, I just need to wait until I hear from them.

Today I went to Papworth hospital for my regular two appointment check, today I collect the monitor, to use over night, and tomorrow I go for the results, and to have my night breathing machine checked over, I am still having dreadful nights sleep, I lost count of the times I woke up last night.

I have been getting weaker in the legs and arms more and more recently, and I struggle to get up out of the chair, bed or car, I feel as though once i start to get up my legs just want to give way, it is a horrible feeling and not one I would want anyone to have, I try to do some exercise, but I get so tired and out of breath when I do anything it is horrible and I hate it so much.

Andy as usual does so much I feel useless most of the time, I try and do what I can, but it is minuscule in comparison to what he does, without him I would be totally lost, I just hope and prey that all this clears up and we can get back to some sort of normal, when that will be is anyone's guess, it has been 28 months since the pain started, so not long... (sarcasm)

thanks for reading, and sorry if I have depressed you too!

Funnies of the week #3

Regular Rant #3

2012 saw us visit Dunelm Mill for the first time, the store is is Huntingdon, Cambridgeshire, it was one of those shops that sold lots of thing at reasonable prices, in fact we shopped there a couple of times, then towards the end of last year they opened a new one in Cambridge, about 5 miles from home, brilliant, and we visited there a couple of times, especially before Christmas.

Then today, we needed a few things from town and I had ordered something from Argos, a few units down from Dunelm, we decided to pop in and get a few bits, these few bits came to over £50.00, oh dear, anyway, I digress, whilst in there we decided to have a snack for lunch, they have a "nice" coffee shop, so off we went, teh shelves were virtually bare, all they had was Cornish or cheese and onion pasties, no other sandwiches etc.   we asked and were told they had nothing else except a jacket potato, no thank you.

One was heated up, and mine was cold, I prefer mine that way, so we had two pasties two coffees and a packet of crisps, nearly £9.00, now if that was not taking the piss, especially as the coffee mugs were very thin but high to make out your getting a decent drink, over a third of it was froth, then as I started to eat, the bloody pasty was frozen, what on earth are they doing trying to poison people, or break their teeth, either way I wouldn't have been too happy.

I went back to the counter and expressed surprise that the pasties on sale were still frozen, I was surprised to to be told that they were not to be eaten cold and had to be heated up, um, since when, if this was the case why were we not told so at point of purchase, because it is not a policy, that's why, where was all the other food, there were shelves upon shelves empty.

I got the food back and it was stodgy and not really that nice, I wont mention the fact the lettuce was brown, oops, I did, anyway, who loses out, well Dunelm does, from a lack of sales in the coffee  shop, to poor customer service and what that that may lead to, not only did we have coffee that was third froth and very thin cups, so you got a couple of gulps (if your lucky), to frozen food being served up, not good.

Apologies

Please accept my apologies for sending the previous thread, I had a senior moment and press the wrong buttons, it was not to have been shared, however have a read if you want, it was from my personal blog rather than the motoring one I also produce,

Once again apologies.