Too much sadness

As the days, weeks and months pass by, I see my hair growing increasing grey, the wrinkles are appearing, and my illnesses are not getting better, I try so hard each day to be positive and to carry on with a smile, but with each passing day it becomes harder and harder.

Small chinks of light occasionally appear, a day out here a lunch there, but they only highlight the level of my own mood and self esteem when I am at home, alone, this alone is where my sadness is prevalent, the many hours at home just doing, nothing, waiting for the next email to arrive, which is another spam email, I will never get that $50 million from a random African country, I don't have the $750 to send them in the first place.

I am, increasingly finding it more and more difficult to get out of bed, the pain first thing so intense, I take my pills, and end up rattling there are so many, I know they are there to help, but they have gone beyond help now, they have become a necessity, I can feel it that, if I forget to take them, my body starts to say, "oi, you idiot, you forgot your pills, and we need them now" and I can tell that needing and wanting are two differing things.

I enjoy few things, I collect, I write, I read, however, one thing I don't enjoy is breaking down at the slightest thing, it could be anything at any time  from watching a comedy to a film, to reading a book, to playing a game, no reason, it just happens, lasts a few seconds and then that's it till the next time.

As I sit here, I contemplate the things that have happened to me, from being made redundant, to being offered a job, to being attacked, finding true friendship and love (getting soppy now), I truly am in a better place now, than I have ever been in, but somehow that's not enough, I wouldn't give up my life (apart from pain) for anything now, it's the best it has ever been.

What's missing, well, work for one thing, I just want to get back to work, to do something that I can take my mind off the Dr's, hospital, pain clinics, pills and so on, unfortunately that's not going to happen, for one thing I could not guarantee that I would be able to attend when they wanted me, some days I am hardly able to wander across to the post box, let alone concentrate on a job.

It is getting time for Andy to come home, so I will close now and tidy up, been sorting some things out, I have been on the computer all day today so I will finish and have an hour or so away from this, yeah right :-)