The End of another crap year (sorry for the language)

Right where do I start, my world totally collapsed about a week ago, and i really have no idea what to do.

I shall start at the beginning, about 8 years ago I had a row with my sister, it was very nasty, on her part, you see, my mum suffers from Multiple Sclerosis, and that row centred around my sister blaming me for my mum having a bad turn some years previously.

When in real terms it was her that has caused issues for many years, well before my mum was even diagnosed with MS, both myself and my brother were dumped by our father when i was about 2 (my brother is five years older than me, and my mother remarried, had my sister, and from there she was the "golden child" and both me and my brother were pushed to the side.

This carried on for years and when we had all left home, and we bought our own places, i assumed things would get better, but alas no, my mother would visit my sister DAILY, and yet i got a visit once a month if i was very lucky, my brother less, yet both me and my bro lived with in a minutes walk from my sister, so really, there should not have been an issue for there to be a visit.

Also, there is an issue that my sister and brother are both "executors" on my mums and step dads wills and I am not, not on either, and i asked why not, and was fobbed off, again, it makes me feel like i am not part of this family, I never have felt part of this family, in fact my better half treats me far better than my own, my partners mother treats me more like a son, than i have ever been treated like one from my own mum, and for that i am very grateful.

I know this is sounding very silly, but you did have to be there and to see it first hand, my sister, and later my brother took advantage of the "Bank of Mum and Dad", I have not, not once since i have left home, but that's not to say that they have not been generous, my mum did buy my walking machine, when i needed one, but that paled into insignificance, when my brother has had at least three cars, and my sister four, as well as many other things.

I digress, over the years, my sister and I had nothing to do with each other, and until mum asked us to try and get on we did, then my sisters husband got shitty on Facebook one day, over something that was not even related to anything, so I became withdrawn further into myself and was not at all interested in trying to make amends.

Them my brothers 2nd eldest had her 18th birthday just before Christmas, and we were invited over to his for a bit of food and a game of cars etc, our usual Christmas event, but it was not the same, my mum has developed Arthritis quite badly in her joints and in one wrist quite badly, all on top of the MS, but my brother and his eldest decided it would be fun to spike both my mums and step dads drinks with very strong Vodka, they are both into their 70's and she is not that steady on her feet at the best of times.

I think my sister-in-law knew i was not that impressed, she said as much in a Facebook PM the following day, i sent my brother a PM on FB (he very rarely uses a mobile phone, so that's not applicable), asking him to give me a quick call as soon as he is free, at his convenience, I missed one call, flat battery, and then i got a second call, and from the time i said hello, he went into a wild rage.

He accused me of stirring, and being an A*rsehole, he said i had no right to speak to my step dad in the way i had, when all i did was say that he should not allow mum to get drunk to that extent, when he really does not care that much either, I said that i hated coming back home, because of it, and my brother really went off on one, without allowing me to state my case.

he got angrier and more vocal, and in the end, i had no choice but to hang up the phone, before he said something he would regret, well, since then, he has blocked me on FB, and my other half too, and quite clearly does not want anything more to do with me, well, if that's what he wants, then fine, I thought we were closer than that, but i am quite obviously wrong.

My emotions have been heading downwards since, Christmas has been a crap time, OH YES, he also had a go because my partners brother and wife and two of their kids came around for a cup of tea and mince pie, a couple of days ago, and that they had not been invited over, well, you have been here a number of times, I am not well, and have not been for years, I cant cope with a lot of people, there was just me, the better half and his mother for Christmas Dinner and Boxing day, i can just about cope with that.

My depression and anxiety is getting worse, and i prefer to be on my own, and i mean by that, just us two, I am not too happy around many people, i get very anxious and uneasy, he knows this, he knows how much pain I am in 24/7, yet that all went out of the window when he does not get his own way, or that's how it sounds, I sit here now, after a massive crying session, feeling like rubbish and wondering what i have done to deserve all this crap that constantly thrown my way.

If my brother wants nothing more to do with me, then i have to accept that, but really, close family wise, after my mum, he is all i have, my grandparents on my mothers side and step dads side are all gone, my real dad wants nothing to do with me, he even had the opportunity, and chose not too, so i am left sitting here, with a brilliant partner, and his family, but my own family seems like they don't care.

So, what do I do, what do you suggest ?

Its been a while - I hope your all well

Wow, I never realised that so much time has passed by since I last spent a few minutes here, and with so much happening in those months, I don't know where to start.

I will try anyway, just before Christmas I had more form sent to me by the dreaded DWP, wanting to know every little detail about my and my life, pages and pages of the stuff, and as some of you will know, you have to fill it in just right or they will boot you off, without even thinking about it, so thankfully, i kept a copy of my last lot of forms I filled in, got a great letter from my Dr and from my metal health practitioner, and after spending a number of days, considering what to write, changing my mind, re-writing and changing again (all on scrap paper) i finally finished at the back end of January.

And two weeks later, I got a letter, my heart sank, i could feel the stress levels flying high and i just didn't want to open the letter, but I was wrong, they had accepted my details, and the letters from said people above, and they have signed me off for yet another two years.

In this instance, my back first became an issue in October 2010, and I carried on working until May 2011, when, after, nagging by my family and work, i went to see my Dr, I never went back to work, and that was the start of a very long and horrid time for me. Many attempts to get the medication right ended up with me being very ill, and getting allergic reactions, and now I seems to be on a set of pills (16 per day) that numb the pain, it never takes it away, which is something I would love.

The back issues have kicked off arthritis in my Jaw, shoulders and hips, that in tur means i cant sleep on my side anymore because of the pain, so I have to sleep on my back, and that has meant i stop breathing during the night, and have t have a machine to help me breathe throughout the night. Sometimes when we go away, it is not really possible to take the machine with me, or it has not worked due to space constraints, and this then makes it worse, as it causes me to get very stressed and angry, and I end up throwing something, usually a pillow.

I had a car on Motability, but the car that we had was so far removed from the car we tested, that i was unable to get on with it, I was generally in a lot of pain when sitting in it, and the fuel consumption also was an issue as it was so far away from teh manufacturers figures that again it became an issue as i am only on benefits, so paying for fuel was something that was to become a major challenge, I have since handed back the car, i have bought a 24 year old classic, it is so comfortable, and the fuel consumption is a little better, but the fact that i can sit in it for more than 15 minutes without pain is a major plus point.

I no longer visit my mental health practitioner as the NHS only offers so many sessions and then that is that, so i had two batches, and an extention, and a final one three months after my last appointment, and thats it, what do I do now, trying to get to see my Dr is becoming harder and harder, she wanted to see me every couple of weeks, and for a long time i managed this, and then she was away, and then fully booked, and it became harder and harder, they now run four weeks ahead, and she is booked out for the whole of that term, I hate not being able to talk to someone, but what choices do I have.

I also used to go out with a couple of friends from work, every 5-6 weeks, and I enjoyed it, thena coupl eof things were said, and i found out that another had removed me from there phone, and it hit me hard, i withdrew  from everything, and have not spoken to them for some while, I just stay indoors most days, and only go out generally to take my repeat prescription in and colelct my pills, and to my hydrotherapy two times a week, i really enjoy that a great deal.

Other than that, and a few days away, my better half has accepted me for me, and never complains, if i have a "moment" as I call them, they just ease off and allows me to work through it, and be there should i need help, i cant ask for any more support, attention, love and help, and at times, that makes me feel worse, knowing that i am this way, and no matter what i do i cant get myself out of this low mood, which is now well into year four.

So, thats about it really, I am sure that there are loads more things that i caould have said or mentioned, but for now, this will do, and I will try my best not to leave it too long next time.....

Be good everyone